The Smart Remark Survival-Guide

Standard Answers to Standard Questions.

Being Tall isn't always easy. Not in the first case because sometimes clothes you want to buy are an idea too small or chairs in public traffic are far too tight, but especially because there are always shorter people, who think they are funny or who are just unknowing and make remarks that make you feel bad or make you want to hit them in the face.
To prevent those shorter people having to walk around with purple faces and to arm some Tall people against feeling bad about being tall, I collected some standard answers to standard questions and wrote: "The Smart Remark Survival-Guide".
After you have read it and learned the examples by head, you will be armed against most standard questions and stupid remarks. And you'll also have a fun time surprising those irritators with answers they'd never expect...

Feel free to return a not so nice remark to people who give you one, but do keep in mind two things:
- Remember that some people can be sincerely surprised by you and make a strange remarks as a result. And though he or she might be the 123rd person that does so to you, you might indeed be that tallest persons he or she has ever seen.
- Also be cautious with shorter than average persons. It is less likely they make comments as to them it is the same sensitive issue as it is to us. But if you do, bear in mind that the practical problems we have with being taller do not compare to the social problems they may have with being shorter.

Every Tall or even not so tall person will have heard this one.... And I can say it is heard all around the world, in all languages....
"How is the weather up there?"
This one is asked by shorties with the creativity of an unbacked red brick. I don't know who thought this remark up, but it seems virtually every short person knows it, and some are irritating enough to ask it... So here is how to act:
Tap him on the shoulder, like he'd be a child, and answer:
"You'll find out when you grow up."
Add nice smile and walk on. He will be too much baffled to say anything more...
Another option, when you are good at doing voices, is to try Daffy Duck and say:
"It's rwaining..."
Or, another good one, especially for the cold days:
"No trouble with ground frost, but I'd sure be careful if I were as tall as you."

An other all time classic:
"How is the air up there?"
*Sniff* *Sniff* "Smells like dwarfs here...."
And add evil grin...

"Do you play Basketball?"
This question can have two effects: Either you do play basketball and thus aren't insulted by it, or you don't play basketball and feel insulted by it. This effect in conflict management is called projection. Because of some feature of a person, one concludes it must have certain behaviour. Just like all Germans hate Jews and all blacks are criminal (which isn't true of course).
The person who asks this question usually isn't aware of this effect, but you can make him feel it by returning it: you answer:
"No" and ask very interested:
"Do you play minigolf?"
Most people will then understand what you mean....
You can also give him the same feeling when you ask him:
"Are you a jockey?"

"What is the view like up there?"
Now usually you can't blame the person who asked this for not being original. But still, when you feel like hitting back, you can use the standard answer:
"You'll find out when you grow up"
When he is in a real smart mood and replies:
"Yes, but I'm already full grown"
Then answer him:
"Okay, then you'll never know"

One of the most original ones I encountered:
"Can you hand me that piano please?"
I couldn't help but feeling very flattered if someone asked me... But if it ever would be asked to you, and you don't feel very flattered; try answering:
"Be a real man, try it yourself"

One of the worst things a shorter man can say to you as a tall womon:
He asks, "Have you ever been mistaken for a guy?"
But you answer: "No, have you?"
(comes from Kimberly)

Some shorties can't help but reacting on seeing tall people like they see water burning....
Most common remark is:
"Gee, you're tall!"
Just to give them a notion about how precious this new piece of information is to you, you might try to answer:
"Oh, thank you, I didn't know that. I'll duck when I go through the next door. You know, I haven't been this tall for such a long time."
But there is a whole lot of other options, depending on your mood, you can try:
a) "" - no reply
b) "Indeed found that out this morning, looking in the mirror"
c) "Yes, I had noticed"
d) "Do you know, you're the first person ever to tell me that?"
e) "I was aware of that thankyou"
f) "Yes I am. And you have a bald spot."
g) "Yes I am, aren't I? And you're not!" (can make those little critters very jealous!)

..and a real killer...
h) "gee, your fat/short/ugly/smelly"

Another very common situation is being asked:
"Gee, how tall are you?"
Most tall people out there usually don't care to tell there height (though I know some tall womon who react on their height like overweight womon on their weight) but when you encounter the X-hunderedth person asking and feel like hitting him in the face, try something like:
"I'm average height. The rest of the world hasn't caught up!" or maybe:
"Please. I'm sensitive about this: I'm the shortest one in the family."
or share him with the feeling and ask:
"I don't know, but how short are you??"

When you are in a kinky mood, try:
"I'm taller than you, so don't piss me off." (Eva) 
Or:
"Ten feet tall and bullet proof!" (Barb)

In some languages there is only one word for 'tall' or 'long', so it can happen that someone asks you:
"Can I ask you a personal question? How (tall/long) are you?" Then answer:
"Gee, that's indeed a personal question, but when you insist, I'm x-inches"
With x being any numbre between 4 and 8 inches.
Please note that this only works for men.

One of the biggest nightmares of Tall people is being tapped on the shoulder and asked:
"Can you go down a bit, I can't see"
This question is a demonstration of one of the bad features of homo sapiens... When one individual has a problem, it will try, in any way, to make it someone else's. Personally I feel that asking this question is very egoistic and that the people who ask it do not deserve much respect. In the first place because it is not your but his problem and in the second place because everybody is equal in the rights of having a comfortable time viewing something (meaning: with a straight back).
You probably understand that I will never move place or got sit with a bend back to allow the short person behind me a better view. It is his problem and he should solve it, not me. (I  do take care not to take a seat in front of a little kid or very short person, though.)
There are a lot of different scenarios you can experience when you go to a cinema. Sometimes you don't get any questions or remarks, sometimes you discover a big triangle of vacant seats behind you (nobody was so stupid to sit there), sometimes during the film you discover people sneaking out of the row behind you, trying to find a seat in front of you and, of course, sometimes people will start complaining.
In that case you'd better react, so the problem (to you) is solved, and you can have a relaxed time watching. Before saying anything, you take a look at him, to see wether you can explain him in normal conversation that it is his problem and he'd better solve it, or whether you could better say:
"Next time bring a thick cushion to sit on."
And turn your head.

Whenever you start a discussion, please respect him... although his pleas maybe egoistic, he probably doesn't know any better than that you are an obstacle to him which needs to be removed for better viewing. Knowing that makes it easier for you to understand why some people react in this way.

When you want to be extra painfull to a real, short, irritator, try to place a remark like:
"Well, in the morning I'll be fine, but you'll still be short."

Common remark for those laidies out there:
"Gee, you make me feel short"
Direct hit in the crotch:
"I don't make you feel short, you are short!"

Another nice and painfull one you can try whenever it suits you is:
"And which of the seven dwarfs are you?"
Works especially well after the irritator has more than once emphisized that you are tall.

In all the anti-shorty jiu-jitsu, these, together with the destructive remarks can really bop out shorties and make them allergic to their being short.
Don't make it too bad, else they start crying and all the stress, we so laboriously build up with the remarks, is set free.

These are to use against the worst people around. Please remember you probably do not get to speak to the person, to whom you made these remarks to, anymore. So when you are pursuing a singing career and a short person asks you:
"Just how tall are you" and you answer:
"About as tall as you are big around, it looks like." and it turns out that he is a producer, you can forget your chances...

Some destructive returns:

And finally, for when you encounter an irritator in the elevator:
"Here, let me get that 10th floor button for you so you won't have to jump..."

These remarks come from @Man's Tall-Homepage.

Of course, after reading this guide, some people may feel ready to go for it, but, no matter how bad the situation: Please stay kind to people. A good come back comment is one that is gives the starter the same feeling as he gave you (or clarifies how unkind his question is) and isn't needlessly hateful.

6'2" Heather's favorite quote:

"Nobody can make me feel inferior without my consent" -Eleanor Rosevelt

Nobody can make you feel bad about yourself if you don't let them get to you. You are tall and hence special. If you believe in that and carry it around with you, it helps a lot.

When you want to add a nice comeback, mail me: arjan675@tallpages.com